“Is this a lasting treasure/ Or just a moment’s pleasure/ Can I believe the magic of your sighs/ Will you still love me tomorrow…”
A couple of weeks ago, I texted my father, asking if it was fair to be with someone who loved you more than you loved them. This question stayed on my mind since then. This morning, I broke up with my boyfriend. Although I’m still not one hundred percent sure that I made the right decision, I’m still questioning my feelings on love and what it means to be in a relationship.
I learned a long time ago that the Disney princess movies lied. No matter how much courage you hold in your heart or how good of a person you think you are, Prince Charming isn’t waiting at the end of the staircase with a dozen red roses. Even with that in mind, the sliver of romanticism in my body still desired for such a being and I searched for it in a plethora of men. I dated a lot over the years and finally met someone I instantly connected with. He was kind, generous and wasn’t afraid to be goofy with me. After a couple of trials and a lot of good times, he told me that he loved me. Did I love him back? Certainly, I could picture myself loving him, watching our relationship blossom into something more than being just boyfriend and girlfriend. But when those three sometimes magical, sometimes horrifying words are spoken, how are you supposed to reply? I hate that I did this but I did the cowardly thing: I told him that I loved him back when I didn’t. Did I feel horrible for what I did? Of course (and I still do). Did I still want to be with him despite our unshared feelings? Yes. But would that be fair for him to? I have no clue.
I’ve asked my friends and co-workers the same question I asked my dad. You just need to let your love for him grow and mature, they said. So, did I do the wrong thing and break up when I just should have let us simmer on the stove a little bit longer? Would it then be fair for my boyfriend to wait for me to develop “in love” feelings? Should I just have “faked it until I made it”- pretended to have those loving feelings until I actually did? A couple of years ago, I watched this interview about this charming elderly couple, celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. When asked what their secret was to their long lasting marriage, the wife replied that she and her husband never fell out of love with each other at the same time. I totally get it. If this couple can make their relationship work without loving each other all time, can I?
I know that I occasionally fuck up, making a bad decision after spinning my brain’s wheels in the wrong direction for some quite some time. Sure, there were other things wrong in our relationship but if I’m wondering if I stayed and actually fell in love, would those things have worked themselves out? I don’t want to live in the past and I want to feel good about the choice I made but I’m afraid this now has affected my desire to be with someone either getting back together with the now ex or someone completely new). I guess only time will tell.
What do you think, dear readers? Comments are HIGHLY encouraged today.